I am angry at my husband for not cleaning the toilet the way he should have. I am annoyed at him for not explaining an important matter to me patiently. I am angry that he is starting a fight between us in front of my mother. I am angry at him for not coming home on time though he said he wouldn’t stay late.
So much inside. Of course, I’m going to feel like a pressure cooker.
Processing
If I stay with this anger, I may not be able to understand the underlying need that is not being met here. And that will not help me have a conversation with him about what I need from him and how he can meet that need. The anger will also stop me from feeling the remotest vestige of empathy for his needs. And it certainly won’t make me at all willing to meet his needs.
So, the first thing is to regain equilibrium. Fights happen. Between spouses, they happen often. If they don’t happen, one person is usually suppressing his/her needs. And of course, there are those mature couples who don’t have conversations. That seems like a nice place to be.
For me, gaining equilibrium came from acknowledging what I was angry about and accepting the anger without feeling good or bad about it. This was not just an acknowledgement at the level of the mind but also physically through writing, saying it to myself, acting, etc. This helped me distance myself from the emotion and the role of Angry Wife. From this distance, I could look at the situation with greater objectivity.
Reframing
Then, I attempt to reframe my experience:
I am disappointed that the toilet was not cleaned the way I wanted. It does not meet my need for cleanliness.
I am confused and annoyed about him not explaining an important matter to me with patience. It does not meet my need for support.
I feel betrayed that he started an argument in front of my mother. It does not meet my need for collaboration and unity.
I am disappointed that he came home late though he had said that he would not do that. It does not meet my need for trust and honesty.
And that’s my part of the story.
Empathising
There is also his side of the story that can be brought out in a conversation with him where I am willing to be vulnerable and share my feelings and needs with honesty. At the same time, I need to listen to him from my heart – which means dropping the judgement and the interpretation.
I may also choose not to have the conversation. I can make an informed guess about his experience of the above situations. Though a direct conversation is best, it requires courage when there is a history of unproductive discussions. Till I get there, I can do this exercise at my level.
Empathetic listening could lead to my understanding of his perspective.
He did not clean the toilet because he was in a hurry. He felt annoyed the toilet cleaning job was left incomplete. It did not meet his need for order.
And so on …
By understanding the other’s point of view, I can suggest an approach where both sides’ needs can be met. This is our learning from Nonviolent Communication. We practice as a small peer learning study group every Friday at 6 PM.
Beyond cerebral
For such situations, doing role play in a psychodramatic space also comes in handy. That way, you move out of the cerebral rationalization to the emotions. And the emotional space is where the tension and resolution can have a happy marriage!
The THRIVE – Back to Self 14-day online program is where participants discover unexplored aspects of themselves through creative activities and play out their challenges in plays to access valuable insights about their challenges. In the safety of a group, support, guidance, and camaraderie, we find the courage to address the root of the matter and find our paths to a better life.