She felt a misfit much of her life, right from childhood, to even the present.
She remembered being a certain kind of child, girl, and woman whose way of living and thinking was often different from her environment. But there were moments, when she lived in deep connection and acceptance of what felt true to her, and she was content.
As she grew older, her beliefs came into conflict with others. She was told that what she thought and how she lived were silly, foolish, unreal … and so over time, she changed, dropping some thoughts and adopting other beliefs. These became her identity and helped her develop the relationships important to her at the time.
Was she happy? In a way, yes, she was. She was in a fast-flowing river, going with the current, with no time and opportunity for questions or doubt or self-inquiry.
However, something always niggled, like a missing part. This became an ever-present feeling, but so mild that it was nearly unacknowledged.
Then came a time when the river was blocked by boulders. On one side, was the choice to turn back, back to the same old thoughts and patterns, not to disrupt the status quo. On the other side, the missing part was building into a crescendo, demanding answers, shaking beliefs, forcing self-confrontation and inquiry, inviting her to break through the barriers, jump into the unknown.
In that tumult, and it lasted a long time, the status quo was disrupted, forever. She faced questions, doubts, criticism and judgements but this time she had the courage to withstand the pressure. She could stand for her beliefs, her thoughts, her perception of life. She refused to give the power to anyone else.
The road wasn’t easy, sure. But was it happier? You bet it was.
As she accepted more of herself, her past and present experiences, her white, grey and black parts, her wishes and aspirations for the future, and the fickleness of her identity … more and more weight dropped away, and she became lighter, and lighter.
And as she rose in that lightness, she reconnected with her true spirit. It had never quite died.
She reconnected to the music of life.