I came across the Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD) while working with a client. I knew about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but this was new. It was a relief to give a name to what my client was struggling with even though it is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
An obsessive love of the “Darr” variety exists, and it’s a huge burden for both the victim and perpetrator. I am using the terms “victim” and “perpetrator” intentionally because OLD can drive the perpetrator to actions that make the victim feel unsafe and fearful.
It is natural and easy to empathise with the victim and condemn the perpetrator as a villain. When the perpetrator’s actions become harmful, action has to be taken to protect the victim and associated persons—there is no doubt about that. In fact, action has to be taken at times to protect the perpetrator from himself or herself too as OLD can drive people to self-harm.
However, if we emulate Gandhi’s recommendation of “hating the sin, not the sinner,” we can look beyond the perpetrator’s behaviour to the underlying suffering – extreme jealousy, perpetual thoughts that derail their lives, physical and mental damage, low self-esteem, extreme mood swings, lack of focus, delusions … all of which make them unproductive. They can lose their connection with friends and family, break trust, lose jobs, and become isolated. In intermittent periods of sobriety (when they are not in the grip of OLD), they are consumed by guilt, shame, fear, and frustration.
And yet, these issues are just the tip of the iceberg. Under the behaviours could be much deeper problems that stem from powerlessness, inadequacy, and fear. They could also arise from mental disorders that are listed in the DSM such as Relationship OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Erotomania and Attachment Disorders. All these disorders have deeper roots in the psyche.
In such cases, the person with OLD can see a psychotherapist and psychiatrist or clinical psychologist in combination. A mix of medication and psychotherapy is usually prescribed.
As always, I am grateful for my work and my clients. Every time I play the role of a coach, I learn more about myself. My boundaries and beliefs are challenged and I discover the world in brilliant new colors. My respect for the human psyche’s resilience and self-healing capacity is reinforced and I am amazed.