A year-end, though just a passage of time, serves as a marker, to pause and reflect on how life is progressing. The year 2022 has flowed like a river, with me sitting on the banks, observing, trying to dig passages where the flow seemed stuck, and closing off circuits where I didn’t want the water to flow. And then waking to the understanding that the water will flow nonetheless in the nature of its way. My best chance at peace is to cultivate acceptance, that it is what it is, and use my energy to find ways to be happy in the moment.
I can say with contentment that I have spent most of my energy in 2022 in ways that bring me joy. On the work front, I said goodbye to a project that was not going as well as it could but I was holding on to it for the wrong reasons. Then the Universe intervened and gave me the pink slip. :))
Immediately after, Saee, Deepali and I launched Poshak Life. I was engulfed in work, and grateful for the time I had now because the project ended. In the bargain, I found partners and friends for life – Saee with her eternal and sometimes annoying energy :)), huge heart, and new giraffe ears (that’s a story you need to ask her); and Deepali with her loving kindness, unlimited capacity to give, and openness to learning. They are my teachers. I bow to their wisdom and resilience.
After losing my father in 2021, my mother came to stay with me. Every day, I am grateful for her presence. But a caregiving role is quite different from being a “twice-a-year” visitor to your parent’s place. It took some getting used to, communicating in new ways, and readjusting to old patterns, forgotten since I left home. I spent much of my time figuring out ways to engage and involve her, trying to “fix” her “problems.” It was hard, often felt unrewarding, and I wasn’t always joyful as a result.
Thank God for my meditative practices, I found space in myself to be reminded of the meaning of service. As Rachel Naomi Remen says, “When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole.” That was the mistake I was making. When I looked beyond the sadness and physical weakness of my mom, I could appreciate her wholeness, courage, and compassion.
This year we also celebrated my parent-in-law’s 50th anniversary, no small blessing that too.
My wonderfully open son, courageous husband, and no-other-choice mother walked with me through the year, supporting all my experiments. :)) The new learning and practice of nonviolent communication helped me a great deal, empowering me to connect with my family, friends, and social contacts in a harmonious and giving way. I am most grateful for this dimension of growth and safety in my life.
With Saee and Deepali’s encouragement, I started taking inner work sessions. We offered these, first paid, then in giftism – this change itself came from an inner change and shift in perception. The sessions are offered every Friday, at 6 PM, if you would like to join sometime.
These sessions, from the preparation of the content to the engagement with the group, left me fulfilled and grateful to be exactly where I was, sharing what had come my way, and acknowledging that my words came more through me than from me. Attendees have shared the change in their behaviours by attending the inner work sessions and I have received the abundant gifts of self-awareness, empathic listening, and a deeper connection with myself and others.
A post on Linkedin attracted me to Psychodrama. I saw it as a means to heal myself and loosen up bodily, as I imagined its scope then. And it did do that, yes, but it did far more. By re-enacting past trauma, I could relive the pain, something I had suppressed or pretended to have forgotten. It wasn’t pleasant but it was cathartic. And to do it in a group with safety and the care of a Director, I couldn’t have found a better place to be vulnerable while cocooned in compassion and shared grief. I understood how we can only overcome pain by working through it. Or its hold on us stays, consciously or unconsciously, colouring our view of the world in ways we may not even recognise.
Psychodrama is another blessing in my life and I am learning to become a coach. Very soon, I will be offering inner work in combination with psychodrama techniques through Poshak Life. I hope to pay forward the gift of healing I have received.
With all this good but hectic work going on, with more volunteering activities thrown in, I ended up being unkind to my body. I developed severe neck pain which then needed physiotherapy sessions. This was a gift too – a reminder to respect my body, and be grateful for all it allows me to achieve every day. I am more careful now, more mindful of the triggers that lead to self-abuse, and more respectful of my time, my limitations, and all the support I receive from visible and invisible sources around me.
Through the New Story Pod I attended on ServiceSpace, I received the gift of song – reviving my old love for poetry and singing. I have written and sung so much since then! Through volunteering with Bembala, an NGO that serves survivors of domestic violence, I received the gift of listening skills and new friendships. Through volunteering with ServiceSpace, I received the gift of belonging, community, and deep inter-connectedness.
I met so many of my fellow volunteers at a Moved by Love retreat in December. At the retreat, I experienced unconditional love to an extent that I felt full, yet empty. I shared my experience of the Three Steps and a Bow practice a few weeks back. Towards the end of the year, I got time with Nipun Mehta, the founder of ServiceSpace who is a living guru for me. Just being with him and observing him opened my eyes to what “giving yourself” means. I met so many people in service this year, it has been inspiring.
So many blessings, so much love, my cup runneth over in gratitude. And from here came the fire to initiate Service365 – a year-long commitment to practice acts of service and kindness every day in 2023. Do join if you haven’t yet.
I am blessed with numerous noble friends, with whom I can be myself, and who feel safe with me. Arun Dada said, “I’ll tell you that this grace of fearlessness arises not when you are strong and are not afraid. It only awakens when no one else is afraid of you.” With all that the Universe has opened up for me, I can see the change in myself – from the hot and short-tempered person I was to something softer, in the works. For this gift, I have no words. Instead, I will give back and pay it forward.
I close with this quote from George Bernard Shaw: “I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatsoever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no ‘brief candle’ for me. It is a sort of splendid torch, which I have got hold of for the moment; and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
Wishing you all love, courage and strength this New Year and all the days beyond!