At a recent event, I happened to be in a group discussing compassion.
One person in the group, an expert in managing addiction patients, said that compassion is alright but at times one needs to take strict action. He narrated the story of how he supported his son, then aged 16, who had started smoking hashish. The man was strict and informed the son that he would be checking his whereabouts, and his friends and talking to their parents as well. This angered the boy and the expert’s wife too became very emotional that the son was being treated like a patient.
The man was adamant though but he assured his son that everything would be done with the son’s knowledge; the son could in fact be present in all such meetings. Thankfully, these measures worked, and one day the boy came to his father and asked him, “What would it take for you to know you can trust me now?” This was the time, the man said, that it was possible for both of them to have a deal. Before, in the throes of addiction, the boy would not have been able to stick with any deal. As an addiction expert, the man knew the pull of substance abuse.
At the time this discussion happened, I could not pursue the topic of compassion. But this story stayed in my mind. And also the thought that the expert did in fact take action from a place of compassion.
Strictness rising from a wish to control is rigid, and can make the subject feel powerless, unseen and unheard. This creates separation, fear, and non-inclusion.
Strictness from the place of compassion, a wish to support the other in their current state, is assertive and can make the subject angry, but also seen, heard and still have the belief of regaining control. This creates trust (perhaps grudgingly given at the time), access to help, and inclusion.
Here I would like to share another story by Sister Lucy, a beautiful angel on earth who has taken thousands of destitute children, women and men off the streets and given them a home.
Most of the children in these homes come from the streets or remand homes. Their code of ethics is different from the staff who take care of them. The abuse and rejection they experience also make them seem hard and ungrateful. Such was a boy named Rajesh, 14 years old or more. He would eat the food without caring for others. He swore and was seen as a bad influence on the other boys. He was angry and abusive. And one day, during an alteration, he slapped the cook! That was too much to take and Sister Lucy was called to take a decision.
On the day Sister Lucy was to arrive, the cook told the boy to pack his bags and get ready to be thrown out. On returning from school, Rajesh saw the car parked outside. He knew that Sister Lucy had arrived. Tears poured down his face. Sister Lucy saw him and rushed to embrace him, telling him not to worry and that he would not go anywhere. Seeing the boy lose all his bravado, the other staff members also melted and the boy was accepted into the home again.
This boy is today an Army officer. The day he received his first cheque he came to the home and offered it in gratitude. He told the staff and Sister Lucy that the day he had imagined he would be thrown out, he had decided to join the local gang and kill all the staff members. But their compassion instead washed away all his bitterness and pain.
I believe it takes a person with strong spiritual grounding and a heart of compassion to develop the ability to discern what action is needed and when. Compassion is not a weakness.
Please share your thoughts.