Yesterday I was supporting a client through an inner work coaching session when his wife asked to speak to me. She shared her exhaustion, caring for her husband’s needs who is currently suffering from severe anxiety. She asked me when this would end, and how long she needs to go on like this.
I could hear her exhaustion and hopelessness (we are on the phone) and I suggested she let him manage the tasks he could on his own. She shared that he holds her accountable when things go wrong and that it was annoying her now. She herself suffers from knee pain and is 65+ years old so I could understand and appreciate her difficulty. To comfort her, I heard all her complaints and again asked her to let him manage on his own.
Then I found out that her husband, my client, was also listening in. I was not prepared for that, I thought it was a private conversation. I chided myself for not checking. I worried that he might feel that I have betrayed him and that he would feel alone, adding to his anxiety.
This worry stayed with me in the back of my mind till today morning. And I decided to check in with him to see if he was doing alright. But before that, I needed to allow my own feelings some space.
Following John Welwood’s suggestions in the book, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, I admitted to myself – “I am worried for my relationship with the client. I am afraid that I may have hurt him. I am doubting my skills as a coach.” And without any judgement, I just allowed the feelings to be.
I stayed with the emotions, saying nothing, making no judgement. After a few seconds, the emotions grew till I felt a tightness in my chest, a little breathless as well and agitated. I continued deep breathing, imagining a space within me expanding to hold my emotions, saying nothing again, just being.
In a few minutes, the feelings passed. I could breathe easy. And I felt amazingly light and stable.
This was a wonderful experience. This was a small demonstration for me to go through the emotions instead of over or around them. This is a precious practice that I will continue to cultivate.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s words come to me – Suffering can be transformed. The one who knows how to suffer suffers less.