I resolved to not lie last year. To a large extent, I achieved it. The times I slipped, I was immediately aware, and when it was possible, I took steps to clarify and come back to the truth.
I thought I was doing such a good job! There was some pride there too. And then … today morning, I had an experience with my son that brought me face-to-face with how sadly I have failed at my resolution.
I asked him to participate in an activity I was very excited about. After some discussion, involving cajoling, rationalising, and combating, I had to accept that he didn’t share my excitement. So, I accepted his refusal to participate and told him that it was OK and that he needn’t do it.
I said so in words.
But as I sat thoughtfully, feeling the disappointment and the ache in my heart, it hit me, “I am a liar.” I was certainly not OK. And I had certainly not accepted his refusal.
Of course, I knew all the spiritual stuff – this is my need and not his, acceptance, autonomy, agency, unconditional love, and all that. But I was “spiritually bypassing” the work of processing what was true in me at that time. I was bypassing it because it was unpleasant to accept the feeling that made me feel small in my self-judgement.
I was skipping the work needed for me to grow in self-knowledge and self-acceptance.
This incident made me think of the countless times I have said I’m OK when I haven’t been so – in relationships, work scenarios, and social gatherings. I have played the role many times, especially so in the far past. I have grown since then. But I have undeniably lied to myself because of a spiritual ego.
I am relieved that this is revealed to me now. I can continue the inner work with greater awareness.
I am also happy to be learning Psychodrama, which seems to have come into my life at a serendipitous time. The mix of emotional, psychological, and mental work done in Psychodrama makes me sit up and do an honest unbiased analysis of my coping methods. And then the spiritual path builds my capacity to receive life for what it is versus what I would like it to be.
I am constantly thrown in the waves and then to the shore, on repeat. But each time, the lens becomes a little clearer, the view a little more real, the breath a little more mindful.