If I am suffering because of any relationship in my life, it becomes my responsibility to do something about it, to find a way to manage it better. And even if the other person is not involved in my attempt, I can still change the quality of the relationship for myself.
How can I do that? In my experience, listening from the heart has been one of the most powerful skills to cultivate. Listening can change the quality of a relationship as the attention shifts from ME to the other.
When one truly listens, one can hear the said and the unsaid.
If I judge, I get into your head and lose the thread of the conversation. I am no longer a witness, I am a biased witness.
If I interrupt or interrogate, I am not giving the speaker space and time to share from the depth of her being. She must take her attention away from her experience and respond to my questions or statements.
If I sympathise and take sides, I colour the experience further by provoking unhelpful emotions instead of allowing her to process what has already happened. It also makes me lose the position of neutrality, biasing my listening itself.
Many such nuanced skills make an effective and heartful listener. This kind of listener can create safety and healing for the speaker – doing nothing other than just listening.
Listening is not the same as “hearing.” Listening is about receiving the speaker just as they are, in their own experience, with compassion and our complete presence.
Do you think you are a good listener? Would you like to be?
We have started a new series called EMERGE to train people on skills that create emotional connection and empathy. The first of this series is Listen Better for Better Relationships.
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