The way we talk to ourselves is an indication of how we view ourselves and the story we have created about ourselves.
“You’re so clumsy!”
“You’re not good enough!”
“Why do you even try?”
“You’re fat.”
“You’re too thin.”
“You don’t deserve this.”
“You’re useless!”
How cruel these statements sound if we have to say them to a friend! But to our own self, they come out easy.
What happens to self-compassion? Why do so many of us see ourselves in such poor light? Where does this self-blame, guilt, and criticism come from? Surely, we weren’t born like this!
Once, as a protagonist (a main character whose issue is being explored) in a psychodrama play, I admitted to feelings of inadequacy about myself. Phrases such as “not good enough,” “impostor,” and “just average” came up. As we proceeded with the play, I recalled incidents from childhood where I craved acceptance from a loved one and was rejected, multiple times, right up to adolescence. That led to the revelation of the story I created about myself when I experienced the emotions of rejection – hurt, isolation, and separateness.
The story I created about myself was, “I did not receive acceptance because I am not good enough. I will never be good enough.” This story was partly the reason behind my present feelings of inadequacy and the fear of claiming my space in my new career role. Once I saw this, I could process the pain that was suppressed earlier and move forward.
We all have similar stories. When we have experienced pain and hurt in our childhood, when our needs for nurturing, love, and acceptance have not been met, we have believed ourselves to be the cause of the deprivation. That is the nature of a child. It is these stories that continue to shadow our behaviour and attitude in the present, till we acknowledge and work on them.
That is why inner work is critical to living to our potential, to discern between the story and the reality.
“What we need more than anything is Self Compassion, not a tighter stretched face, nose job, bigger house, more money or success etc. I think Self Compassion should be the most important thing we learn in our life time.”
Dr Gabor Mate (also known as the Trauma Doctor)
So true Monica, compassion begins with self before it flows to others.