Decades back, asking for help was a heart-racing, face-burning sufferance. I mean, giving help was of course good, but asking? That showed weakness, a lack of self-sufficiency, an invitation to be refused and getting hurt! Ironically, I never associated these feelings with the people I gave to, I just thought they’d be grateful and hold me in good esteem. I didn’t even recognise how self-gratifying my giving was.
But this isn’t just my story. I have seen people stand in front of a closed shop and check for the opening time on Google Maps rather than walk to the next shop and just ask. We have more faith in technology than people. Technology gives us a false sense of self-sufficiency which makes us feel more in control and safe.
I know people who are happy enough to help and are very generous but they would walk on thorns before asking for help. Being generous can also feed the ego if it doesn’t come from a place of service.
Our culture too has fed into this flawed value system. Our role models are those who manage by themselves. Never mind if they’re crying or raging inside. It’s the outer facade that has become more important and people go to extreme lengths to maintain that image. Mental breakdowns, suicides, isolation, depression, and much more are majorly caused by the breakdown of authentic social connections.
Truth is, asking for help takes humility, a willingness to be vulnerable, and courage. These are far more difficult to cultivate. As a child, these strengths are naturally alive in us but if they don’t get nurtured, we lose trust and faith.
Buddhist monks beg for food, not because they are dependent, but as a practice of surrender, to honour vulnerability and fragility and not feed the ego.
We are not monks so this may feel extreme. But look at yourself truthfully and ask, “How easy is it for you to ask for help?” Instead of ignoring these issues or accepting them as irreparable eccentricities, you can explore the cause, change your behaviour, and experience greater connection and harmony.
I am an emotional wellness coach, and I use psychodrama and psycho-spiritual work to support clients in their goal to live fulfilling lives while enabling my growth and healing. If you want to explore behaviours that hold you back, book an exploratory call here.