Where does the need for approval come from? Studies indicate that a child who has received loving and frequent approval from parents in their childhood develops a sense of inner worth. When this does not happen, this core strength is undeveloped. In growing years, if a child faces bullying or neglect, then she too may develop the need to please people to fulfil her need for belonging.
Seeking validation from peers and family is very different from seeking approval. In the case of validation, the seeker is not disturbed by the feedback she receives. She can receive feedback, learn from it, and move on. Even if the feedback is negative, it does not destabilise her even if it upsets her for a while.
When an individual seeks approval, she is deeply affected by the feedback she receives. Good feedback increases the perception of her self-worth. Negative feedback decreases her perception of self-worth. Since her inner compass is so sensitive to outer stimuli, she experiences ups and downs like a see-saw. This may show up as poor decision-making, anxiety, overthinking, self-criticism, and constant feelings of inadequacy.
People-pleasing, trying to make everyone happy, never saying no – these are all harmful behaviours that can lead to a disconnection with self.
If you or someone you know experiences the unsteadiness of emotions that arise from the need for approval, reach out for help. Don’t dismiss this as a behaviour trait that will outgrow itself or can be laughed away. So much pain can be avoided if we only ask for help.
In the THRIVE program and personal consultations, psychodramatic action-based techniques are used to bring out the inner state of an individual, to see the link between her past and present, and to connect her to her strengths so she may take life-serving actions from today.