Come to think of it, there are many big Ms in a woman’s life. I’m experiencing the concluding stage of the first big M—the biological one—menopause.
This year, I have transitioned into the peri-menopause phase. The time between periods is growing, and the periods are longer. Old balances and biological bodily phenomena of nearly 35 years are changing. And so am I.
The first month I missed my period, I took two pregnancy tests. My predominant feeling was alarm. The idea of second-time motherhood at 48 had zero appeal. With my grey hair, I felt a bit embarrassed purchasing it from the chemist so the second time I got a friend to do it for me (even though she has grey hair too) … some giggling and girl bonding happened here.
The next time around, I was prepared. The third, fourth, and fifth times, l was back to a monthly frequency. Puzzlement (and rolling eyes) was the primary emotion. Then again there was a 2-month gap, and now I’m on the seventh period this year. And also on the 15th day of it, another first in my life.
Yesterday, a bit pissed off, I finally educated myself about peri-menopause. This transition phase to menopause can last 2-4 years with each period extending to 10-38 days. WHAT???
This reminds me of my pregnancy when every bizarre development in my body that I reported to my gynaecologist was received with a pitiful smile and the statement, “It can happen to some women. It’s all normal.” Duh? That experience sure made me respect my tribe – hail all women!
In any case, the education has transformed my mindset from a marathon runner to a sprinter who knows the end line is a good distance away. Now, I’m pacing myself.
As I do that, I am suddenly present to the slight shakiness in my legs, a heaviness in my body, a lowness in energy, tiredness with the seemingly unending disposal of my uterine lining, a craving for comfort, and the seeking of sun, space and the open outdoors.
This year, I’ve been somewhat distracted and lost. I’ve made up countless stories to justify the shifts in my choices. Suddenly, I’m seeing that upheaval with new eyes.
Till now, the competitive side of me that won’t let my biological differences come in the way of work, that won’t allow me to show “weakness” in a man’s world, was holding the reins.
That lens also makes me more aware of how our modern lifestyles do not factor in the very real challenges women face because of their biology. In fact, the woman who does not acknowledge their existence is glorified, at least in most workspaces. Women who state their needs based on biological challenges are often ridiculed and trivialised. It becomes a gender joke or something icky.
With the new pacing in my mind and body, my carefully nurtured Feminine is feeling empowered. She is granting me permission to rest, slow down, indulge, and reflect.
I am relooking at my life, my met and unmet needs, my dreams and aspirations, my burdens and gifts, my past, present and future. I am seeing what converged and the detours I took, how every life experience is part of my cellular being.
I feel gratitude and acceptance, and an immense spaciousness to hold all that is in me, even extend that to people who walk in and out of my life. Well, most days.
The big M feels less burdensome now, more like a new partner to jive with. It’ll take time, presence, patience, good and bad days, and a whole lot of lessons. After all, I’m metamorphosizing into a new phase of life!