Any boy who dared to propose “friendship” to me during my middle and high school and undergrad college years faced my fire. When I think of it now, I regret my harshness. But I also recognise the root of this behaviour – an enemy image.
An enemy image is a negative perception of a person or group of people, often used consciously or unconsciously to justify something. I am sharing my story in the hope that it may help someone who has faced rejection and also give an insight into what could have been true for the other.
The History
From early on, I did not see models of balanced masculinity. In my family of 4 women and 1 man, my father, I saw both love and dominance and therefore experienced a love-hate relationship. In relationships with males in the extended family, I don’t recall any strong impressions of strength. I mostly saw subjugation to a higher patriarch, at times manipulation of women, an acceptance of the patriarchal culture by both men and women, and avoidance of talk on such a topic. There was anger but with a resigned acceptance of how “men” were.
That’s where the seed of the “enemy image” of males was sown in me.
In my growing years, as I ventured out alone, I encountered eve-teasing, stalking, molesting, mass groping … such vile abuse made this enemy image stronger. I can still recall my palpitating heart whenever I encountered a group of boys, anticipating an unpleasant experience. My fear was unfortunately almost always justified.
Multiple experiences of this sort affected my sense of dignity deeply. I felt unsafe, and low in self-esteem and confidence. I was in alert mode for a large part of my life then. So I learned to protect myself.
In this confusing culture of gender-based violence and discrimination, I felt unsafe in owning my feminity. Therefore, I cultivated my masculine side – using aggression as a weapon of defence.
I did cultivate relationships with boys in these growing years and experienced rich friendships. But I felt safe only in friendships that were gender-neutral. A proposal of “more than friendship” acknowledged my gender and that threatened my safety. So I responded with aggression.
This is my history with the boys of my youth or at least some of them. My perception of men improved as I reached graduation but the enemy image did not dispel entirely.
The Regret
When I think back now, I feel sad for the boys I rejected so harshly. I feel sad for myself because fear and pain alienated me from my humanity and compassion.
Acknowledging Suffering
One day, in meditation, as I was pondering about forgiveness, I recalled a molester from my childhood. “Could I forgive him?” this question shook me. This meditation was a transformative experience in itself but more on that in another post. By the end of the meditation, I found myself praying for him. Before I knew it, I was crying for all the boys and men who mistreated me, known and strangers. I grieved for their suffering and my own and wished them peace and wellness. It was a liberating experience that healed a wound I wasn’t even aware was festering in me.
As a coach, I come across the wounds of patriarchy in both men and women. The experiences and insights are sobering. Being a witness of the stories made me think about the boys from my youth whom I rejected with unkindness. “I am sorry for the pain and embarrassment it might have caused you.”
I pray that the world we are creating today offers all genders better lessons and role models. At least, we can be accountable for the part we play in this development.
Do you hold any enemy images as well? How have they influenced your behaviour?